


Two Weeks

by Darkrivertempest



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-01-30
Packaged: 2017-11-27 11:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/661719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkrivertempest/pseuds/Darkrivertempest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus and Hermione should have heeded the warnings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Weeks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jenidralph](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Jenidralph).



> Written for the lovely, Jenidralph's birthday! She wanted SS/HG, horror... and mentioned _Gremlins._
> 
>  **Warning:** If you haven't seen the movie _Gremlins_ , this won't make much sense to you. 
> 
> **Disclaimer:** All Harry Potter characters and canon Potter Verse belong to JK Rowling and associates. I am in no way affiliated with Warner Brothers, JK Rowling, or Scholastic. I do not make any money from the publishing or writing of this story. Gremlins/Gizmo belongs to Warner Brothers.

Wizard's Film Log – Day 1

_(a man sits in front of a camera mounted on top of a computer)_

"This is ridiculous."

_(muffled voice in the background)_

"Granger, why can't I just write down my research like any normal wizard?"

_(more muffled talking)_

"As I said previously, this is ridiculous. However, seeing as my colleague—and I use that term loosely—demanded that we keep track of our progress in a more modern, advanced and technological way, I am reduced to recording my data via a Muggle contraption called a WebCam."

_(man is scowling and clearly irritated)_

"Exactly what am I supposed to say to this intrusive object, Granger?"

_(a woman comes into view and points at the camera)_

"Try not to think of this at all, Severus. Just say everything that you wish to record, as if you are writing a research piece and documenting all your findings. Leave nothing out."

"I refuse to reveal my methods. How do I know that this... this thing isn't broadcasting my findings to the entire world? Granger? Granger! Don't you leave—"

Wizard's Film Log – Day 2

_(a very unhappy, dour-looking man is sneering at the camera)_

"We are in Shanghai. It's hot and humid, and I believe typhoon season is upon us."

_(a rumble of thunder can be heard)_

"Bloody rain. Ahem. As I was saying, we are in Shanghai, studying what the locals call a Mogwai. Useless creatures, really. Unless you are a prepubescent witch with a penchant for collecting disgustingly fuzzy beasts or a ravenous werewolf in search of the next meal—yes, Lupin, that was directed at you—the animal serves no earthly purpose whatsoever. Not even for potion's ingredients."

_(a teddy bear-like creature is held up to the screen, the ears overly large)_

"It looks like a genetic mutation between a Pygmy Puff and a Goblin."

_(a woman bends down and reaches across man to place clipboard on desk)_

"Severus, cross-breeding of those two species is impossible and you know it. Scientific fact only, please."

_(man shoves woman out of view)_

"I'll say whatever the hell I want, Granger. If I'm to be forced to do this, I'll do it my way! As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted... oh, such class, Granger. Two-fingered salute. Priceless."

Wizard's Film Log – Day 3

"It has been raining incessantly for twenty-four hours and I found a leak in the loo."

_(a woman walks by)_

"Scientific data only, Severus."

_(man glares as she disappears off-screen)_

"I'll show her scientific data. Ahem. The Mogwai showed an unusual amount of fear when exposed to sunlight. In fact, my previous assumption that it was part Goblin must be amended to possibly vampiric in nature, though it shuns meat of any sort. And while nocturnal, it does not seem to feed during the evening hours, as is the habit of most night-time creatures."

_(there is soft trilling in the background)_

"It does have random bouts of what could only be called 'mating song', where the creature sings mournfully. I must hypothesise that it is in its mating heat, as there is also a foul odour that is increasing in potency. Perhaps I shall bathe the wretched animal."

Wizard's Film Log – Day 5

_(a man sits in front of the camera, draped in six animals identical to the first, a look of horror on his face)_

"Apparently, Mogwai reproduce asexually."

Wizard's Film Log – Day 6

_(a Mogwai is gnawing on the man's finger)_

"Granger? Would you please feed this mongrel?"

_(a woman takes the Mogwai off-screen)_

"He wouldn't be so hungry if you would just feed them at the appointed times, Severus."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was too busy feeding the other five _everything in the pantry_!"

_(there is a series of loud burps)_

"Filthy little brutes."

Wizard's Film Log – Day 8

_(the camera is slowly panned left and right, taking in the scene of five, huge alien-like pods that are steaming slightly)_

"Dear Merlin! The stench!"

_(a woman's voice is heard in the background)_

"Severus? I have little Gizmo here with me, but where are the rest of the... oh my god! What did you do to them?"

"I did nothing, Granger. I woke up and these were sitting in the lab."

_(remaining Mogwai starts trembling and crying)_

"Shh, it's okay. Hermione will keep you safe."

"Are you seriously communicating with that creature, Granger?"

"Gizmo is frightened. I'm trying to console him."

"Him? Gizmo? How on earth did you sex that animal?"

_(Mogwai is thrust into man's hands)_

"He looks like a Gizmo, don't you think?"

"Zeus save me from witches whose biological clocks are ticking."

Wizard's Film Log – Day 10

_(a man and woman sit side-by-side in front of camera, thoroughly dishevelled. The lab behind them is in shambles. A light fixture is swinging.)_

"I think we can safely conclude that Mogwai belong in the wild where they are not subject to human whims. After hatching from the pupa stage, the uh..."

"Fiends. Monsters. Demons from the lowest pit of Hell. Take your pick."

"The creatures proceeded to ravage the area and escape through a window."

"Ahem. Succinctly put, Granger. I would add that I was bitten by one of the miscreants and am now exhibiting symptoms of... of..."

_(man doubles over and woman drags him off-screen)_

Wizard's Film Log – Day 12

_(a nervous woman sits in front of the camera, glancing frequently off to the side)_

"Severus has begun sprouting tufts of black hair on his face, back, legs, and chest, as well as his ears elongating. As the days progress, his features are morphing into those characteristics seen in the Mogwai."

_(woman covers her mouth)_

_(man's voice booms off-screen)_

"Granger, this is not in the least bit funny!

_(woman clears her throat and sits up straight)_

"Sorry, Severus. I'm not sure the rate of contamination, but according to my estimates, Severus will have fully integrated the Mogwai virus into his blood stream within the next twenty-four hours."

"Fucking blighters!"

Wizard's Film Log – Day 14

_(the area is deserted except for a black-haired Mogwai sitting in the chair and looking at the camera)_

"Mogwai!"

_(A woman walks onscreen and pats the dark head)_

"Yes, Severus. I'll get you something to eat."

_(the Mogwai watches the woman leave and then turns back to the camera... giving the viewers a wicked smile)_

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know that someone wouldn't turn into a Gremlin if they were bitten (per movie canon). Just suspend belief for a brief instance. ;)


End file.
